Dear 12 year-old me,
I know with detail and intricacy every pain you have suffered. No one else can tell you they know how you feel but me – how alone, and angry, how sad, and temporarily satisfying what you do to yourself is. Put the scissors down, forget the razor blade, it is about to get real.
That emptiness that fills you, screams louder than anything else – a deep longing for affection and caring – wishing someone would just come along and fix you or kill you, at that point it really didn’t matter to you, did it? You tearfully wonder why the merciful, loving God everyone tells you about is hiding from you. You cry out in gasps – even the God who ‘loves all’ left me!
That anger that consumes you, rages like an inferno begging you to take action – to pay back every wrong and harm against you 100 fold. You’re mad at them because they don’t see your worth – you’re too poor or rich, ugly or beautiful, fat or skinny, short or tall, you’re the wrong race or nationality, you’re not decked out in pink reppin’ Barbie, throwin’ deuces and blowin’ duck face kisses, you’re not a trendy label toting, name droppin’ fiend – whatever you are, you’re just not them. They hate you for being you, and they will go to great lengths to tell you that, to make sure you are well aware of how unsatisfied they are with every bit of you on display before them. Then you hate yourself because of them, you want to hurt yourself because of them but they cut deeper than any knife ever will. You beg to know why the all-seeing, all-knowing God would waste the time creating you. Didn’t He know this would happen? You feel like a wreck, a waste of space, a non-valuable entity that deserves to hurt and be alone. You wonder if this perfect God made a mistake when He created you, maybe He was too ashamed of you, and that is why He is not here to save you now.
That sadness that surrounds you keeps you in darkness – blacks out the light and sucks every bit of happiness and life from you. The crippling hold of deep, dark sadness is a thousand hands holding you under, unable to breath, unable to live – strangling the life from you. You harm yourself because you are hurt, and when you hurt, you get angry, and when you are angry, you pray to this non-seen God for silent vengeance on you for what you do to yourself. This torturous cycle spins out of control – you harm, you hurt, and you anger. Why wouldn’t a merciful God just take you now, you beg Him to end it all or think maybe He wants you to do it for Him?! When the constant, evident, throbbing pain surrounds you and all you can see, and feel is the pain, it is hard to believe there anything else for you. Hard but not impossible.
Please hear me – your tears are my tears and your hurt is my hurt – but I tell you this right now, you have no idea what good God has in store for you. Please hear me, and feel the joy of this tear-soaked message – there is another way, another life, another chance – God is with you, even though you think He is not – He is there with you. All of the gut-wrenching, heart-breaking time you felt abandoned – He was there but you were too blind to see or hear Him. We have an enemy and his one job is to steal, kill, and destroy – he goes all out 24-7 to keep you deaf and blind to God. God’s Word in the Bible will tell you everything you need to know to put a stop to the serious threats of the enemy. You do not know God now, but you will – you will have an amazing relationship with Him – He will strengthen and heal you more than you can imagine. God will fill every inch of you with His Love – you will never be alone and empty again. God will take everything formed against you and put it to work for your good. God is capable, He did not make a mistake with you, and He has a plan of beautiful redemption and Salvation through Jesus Christ just waiting for you. You can wait through 34 years of suffering and torture like I did or you can claim your identity in Christ now and seize the amazing life He has for you but the choice is yours alone to make, He will not force you. He wants you to surrender to Him all on your own. Did you feel the weight of that word surrender? It gives me chills writing it. It will feel wonderful when you finally surrender all the pain unto the cross where Jesus paid the price for the terrible pain and suffering you no longer need to carry – no one should ever have to bear that kind of weight, ever gain – Jesus already took it all to the cross with Him.
I wish I had a magic band-aid to cover and remove the visible signs of your hurt but God offers you new life in Jesus. He washes you clean for a fresh new start, He covers you with compassion and love, He is merciful, and His mercies are new every day. All wounds heal over time, their scars may never fully fade, but that is what reminds us how strong we are. I was so ashamed and angry with myself for a very long time, now I use that energy to encourage others, trust me the scars get easier to deal with. I love you, Jesus died to save you, and God loves you more than you can fathom.
Over you I pray this heartfelt prayer from the deepest depth of my heart and soul – Lord, I pray that everyone who reads this receives knowledge, wisdom, and Truth from You who gives to all liberally. Take these Your broken, hurting, tortured children, and shepherd them into Salvation, guide them in a righteous walk with You. Give them the courage to face adversity and persecution for their beliefs. Give them the obedience to submit to Your Will, and act on the promptings of Your Holy Spirit. Strengthen, uphold, and protect them from the enemy and his lies. Hear the cry of your children, oh Almighty God – answer their prayers! Flood them with Your light, love and compassion in the powerful name of Jesus, I pray.
Do you want to be Saved? Click these links to learn about more Salvation – believe and be Saved. Surrender your life and be Redeemed!
Check out Peace With God from the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association.
Just33minutes.com is another detailed resource that helps people move closer to God – you can gain an understanding of God, the Bible, and the Church in just 33 minutes.
You can also go to the Christian Tools & Resources section to find online ministries to guide you in your Christian walk. The most important thing after Salvation is to read the Bible, you must know what God says if you are going to ‘reclaim your life’ from the lies of the enemy – links to free Bible Apps are on the same page (try the amplified version of the Bible for easy reading). Walking in your ‘new redeemed life’ is a continual process, one we must consistently work at. I am not going to pretend that its perfect rainbows and sunshine, it is more likely to resemble boot camp. Our old habits, patterns, and emotions – works of the flesh – do not die quietly. They kick, and scream, bite, and punch but this time you have God to back you up. Put your faith in Him and the flesh does not have a chance. I am currently working on a guide to ‘Reclaiming and Renewing your life in Christ’ but until then check out Renew My Life In Christ for a jump-start. Welcome to the rest of your BLESSED LIFE!
God Bless You!
Jennifer – I Give God All The Glory